23/11/2013

Grief

I'm terrible in dealing with grief. I tried to keep calm upon hearing the news that my grandma will be leaving us soon. But as soon as I walked back to my room, I collapsed in bed. Though my partner was by my side, I wanted to be alone. What is the point of loving and knowing someone when they will leave you eventually?

Suddenly, a huge pain surged from my heart, expanding all the way upwards and outwards. I curled up in a ball and the sound that came out of my mouth was something unrecognisable, it was more like a growl/ cry, it was something from deep within me.

Thankfully, Steve was by my side as I got up from my fetal position and clung on to him tightly for support as though I was a drowning woman clinging on a piece drift wood....and he was exactly my piece of drift wood. I cried and cried. The following moments were a big blur as I tried my best to pull myself together to arrange everything: air tickets, leave for my brother and myself, packing, etc.

I found myself fumbling at even the simplest tasks such as remembering my siblings birth dates and even the arrangement of my names (first name, last name) for the air ticket. But I do remember, I did not give a damn about anyone's opinion of me or the stares I got from others was I walked across the street to the travel agent to get my last minute air tickets, my eyes swollen from crying.

Nothing mattered.

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